Superheros, Groceries, and Poop
“I don’t know what’s wrong with my stomach but I haven’t pooped in 3 days!”
“Come here and let me stick my tongue in your mouth, you’ll poop with in the hour”
That’s how my husband and I exchange that a gastro bug has taken over our home. Of course, it would be untimely that he would have the adverse effect for the first time in his life.
That’s obviously not what happened, but being held hostage in your home with a toddler who is a poo producing factory makes your mind do strange things.
I couldn’t take one more minute stuck cooped up in the house. In the prime of summer, on the verge of a meltdown, we ventured out. I wasn’t scrubbing poop out of the carpet anymore, therefore, I viewed it as an ample opportunity to vacate the premises.
We met my mom, stepdad and uncle for supper. She did great. Afterward, I needed to go buy another box of diapers, for obvious reasons.
We get to Wal-Mart around 830 at night. I told my husband I would call him when I get out because it seems like there is always something fishy going on at our local Wal-Mart these days, especially to women with small children.
It’s unusually dead in there. I took a little more time than usually to fart around. That pun was totally intended….
My son was wearing flip flops and pretended he was the hulk holding back my cart. I would summon the super hero gods from the wonder woman underwear I was about to purchase for my 2 year old, and pushed the cart back leaving him skidding and giggling across the floor.
Then it inevitably hits me, as if Poseidon himself just cursed the insides of my abdomen. The gastro bug has struck me in the middle of Wal-Mart.
Every mom’s worst nightmare – Two kids in a Wal-Mart bathroom while you watch helplessly from the toilet, begging them not to touch a single thing?
I don’t think so.
We’d catch more in that bathroom than the gastro bug. I decided to tough it out.
Summoning was over and prayers started to overflow. “Dear Lord, please forgive my jokes about Greek gods and DC superheroes. I know you are the only Lord on high and if you could work a miracle that I make it out of this place without being the next person to grace the pages of peopleofwalmart.com I will be eternally grateful.”
We scurry to the register, my bum clinched to max capacity.
“Of course you only have one register open, and complain to every customer before me, that you are short staffed because of one particular lady that chronically calls off.”
Sweat beading up on my forehead!
Inside I’m screaming, “Shut up lady or I’m going to rip open these diapers for myself”!
My phone dings…
My stepdad: “Did you make it home Ok”?
Me: “At Wal-Mart right now, clinching my buttcheeks together, in line while this lady scans her card 50 times
SD: 😃🤣🤣🤣 “Do you have to poop?”
Me: “Yes! Pooping your pants in leggings is the most unforgiving predicament to be in!”
Finally, I make out of there. I get to the car and the strangest man pulls in beside me. He reminded me of a life size garden gnome who got kicked out of his fairy village.
Gnome man: “Looks like you’ve got your hands full there.”
Me: *not making eye contact recounting all the weird posts about our local Wal-mart, thinking this is it! I’m going to have to beat this man up in the parking lot and poop my leggings all at the same time* *Nervously laughing* “Haha yeah, I sure do”.
Gnome man: “Well, you have a great night and a safe trip home now”.
Now I kind of feel like a jerk. He was very polite, but I was warranted in my thoughts his “vibe was suspicious.”
My son: “Mom can we go to game stop? I want to get a new game.”
Me: “No, you just got a new game 3 days ago.”
My son: “Please mom, can we just go”?
Me: “Unless you want me to poop right in the middle of the floor, we are not going there!”
My son: “Eww you’re gross”.
I wasn’t going to argue with that statement.
I will save you the specifics but I made it home and as promised, I am eternally grateful..