The Day I Try to Forget: A Mothers Confession to Perfect Moms. WE ALL FAIL SOMETIMES. 

I ran back up and screamed…

I CAN’T FIND HER. I CAN’T FIND HER.  

It was raining and dreary but it was 

Fathers Day. 

Tables set up in the garage. 

Family all together.

Cousins playing.

This is the life.

I love my family and sitting around telling stories of when we were young is exactly how I envisioned spending this day.

The rain is letting up and my nephew got a new fishing pole.

If his daddy doesn’t take him down to the pond to try it out we’re all going to be sorry.

We went down and had a blast, they caught tons of bluegill.

One boy learned to bait his hook, 2 held their fish and my youngest had a sinker on her SpongeBob pole to learn how to cast. 

The entire time we were down there I watched her like a hawk because she looooves to be in the water.

We ran out of worms and walked back up to the house. (To be clear, you can’t see the pond from the house it’s a hike to get down to it.)

Sitting in the garage while all the cousins played together just like when I was young. My brother was telling the story of my dad hiding my Christmas dress in my pillowcase. He was so clever I thought to myself.

I’d pop my head around the corner, five feet away from me to check on the kids every so often to make sure my youngest was accounted for.

It had been a long day and she missed naptime so her orneriness was in full swing.

I popped my head around the corner and she was gone.

I said where is your sister?

They all shook their head looking to each other for answers and within the blink of an eye, I was bee-lining for the pond.

It took me a few seconds to get down there but when I did, she was nowhere to be found.

“Oh no, oh no, no, no, no,” I said out loud to myself

I ran back up and screamed…

I CAN’T FIND HER. I CAN’T FIND HER.

The chairs screeched over the concrete like nails on a chalkboard.

Everyone scattering.

I ran back down to the pond, not knowing what else to do but to dive in.

My mind bolted back to how deep it is from when my dad dug it out. We used to snowboard from side to side before it was filled with water.

It’s deep.

The thoughts speeding through my mind.

If she is in here how will I find her?

I have to find her. 

I come back to reality for a second as my family is running around the edges.

My mind is in a fog but my thoughts are precise and focused.

My sister in laws- sister, is a nurse, if I can just find her she can help her.

I’m screaming her name!

WHERE DO I LOOK WHERE DO I LOOK?

Shes screaming CHECK THE SIDES CHECK THE SIDES as she runs around them.

I heard my stepmom screaming too.

My inner panic is setting in and I am screaming her name again.

It’s echoing from the top of the hill as my other family members search and scream.

I can’t hear her.

Why is she not answering?

She should at least be crying if she is by herself. 

Every possible thought.

The pond.

The woods.

Hot car.

I started yelling at myself inside my head, I shut it down as fast as it comes on knowing now is not the time. Find her first.

It’s becoming increasingly sickening that she may be in this pond and I can’t think she could be anywhere else because if she is underwater I have to find her NOW.

I am desperate.

IN JESUS NAME!

JESUS PLEASE LET ME FIND HER!

JESUS I NEED YOU TO HELP HER!

I hear it then, seconds later.

Screaming from my sister-in-law

WE FOUND HER. WE FOUND HER.

I swim to the side and run to the top of the hill again, although sitting here, writing this, I don’t remember how I got there.

Bits and pieces of cloudy tunnel vision are saved – I remember my feet hitting the grassy trail that leads to the pond and blood dripping down off my toe.

I can’t breathe and I am soaked.

My body is trembling on the outside and inside I feel like my nerves have been hit by a tuning fork.

I am hyperventilating.

I grab her from my sister in law who had tears streaming down her face.

Presley looks at me with a confused look.

I hugged her trying not to scare her.

“Where was she?”

“In the van,” my nephew said, “she buckled herself in my seat.”

“How did she get in there?”

“We had the back hatch open.”

I was sitting directly in front of that van and how I missed her climbing in will drive me crazy for the rest of time.

I have never been so overwhelmed with fear and in my desperation, I had no other options but to call on Jesus.

I am so thankful for my family and their help that day.

Whether you believe in Jesus or not, that day in my state of desperation he was all I had left.

That night I sat a little closer to her. I looked in her eyes a little deeper and I thanked the Lord for protecting her.

💜 Jess

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