The Walk of Shame
You know when you sit down, indulge in some sugary treat and turn on Netflix, throwing yourself out of mom reality into some Brazilian heartthrob love story?
The woman tiptoes out of the house in his button-up shirt that is not buttoned correctly and tries to sneak to her car without being seen only to run head first into a tree knocking herself out and falls in love with the EMT who rescues her?
Never heard of this movie? That’s because I made it up and that would probably be something I would have done in my younger days if I was a promiscuous idiot. Thankfully I was not.
Although the idiot status still sticks from time to time. Like when I made my kid tardy for school two days in a row.
THE ULTIMATE WALK OF SHAME.
The only thing worse than being the student late for school (which was my trademark as a student) is being the mom who made your kid late for school.
The first day, it wasn’t so bad. Whatever, we still packed the lunch, doing the morning routine as usual. I drive him to school sign him in.
“Be good and have a good day, I say in the office. I love you!” He turns and grins.
I said, “I LOVE YOU.”
His secretary laughs, and says “I think that grin means I love you too.”
We laughed like it’s a silly inside joke. I walk out, calming my anxiousness that they don’t think I’m the worst parent ever because I can’t get my thick tush out of bed.
He comes home that day and says I knocked and knocked on my classroom door but they didn’t hear me for a little bit.
He said, “Helllllloooooo knock knock knock.”
I felt terrible. After all, it was my narcoleptic fault that he was late. I vow this will never happen again.
DAY 2 BUH BUH BAAAAAAAAAAHH…
I wake up to the sound of jingle bells. I had to hang a bell on my daughter’s door because she is baby Houdini.
Funny I can hear that but not my stupid alarm. I look at my phone.
ARE YOU SERIOUS JESS, GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER!!!!!!!
Then I hear him “hey mom do I have school today or what?”
“Payton, yes you have school! How long have you been awake? Why didn’t you wake me up???”
Ummm probably because he’s 6 and you’re 28. Let’s not pass the buck here JESSICA.
I’m sorry this isn’t your fault, get up hurry hurry hurry!!!
At this point, I’m all in my head like, “you’re an embarrassment, Jess. You probably should just let him stay home today so you don’t have to endure another Walk of Shame.”
HE JUST MISSED 2 DAYS BECAUSE HE WAS SICK. GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.
Presley. Come on honey, get some pants on we have to take bubby to school again because your mom lacks basic adult skills.
All out tantrum. She planks me. Body stiff.
“LIGHT OFF MOMMY, I WANT TO WATCH TV, NOOOOO.…”
You have yourself to blame for this you know that right?
The drive there, I’m thinking if I can just get there by 8, I may be able to avoid having to take him to the office and he can walk in.
HA HA HA. 8:05
I hold my head in shame. Pretty sure she knows me by name now.
Payton yells “MY MOM’S STUPID ALARM DIDN’T GO OFF AGAIN”
I should have turned to high fived him because excuses from a 6-year-old are so much cuter than excuses from a 28-year-old mother who looks like she just got pummeled by a Mack Truck, but I refrained.
All in all, we survived, and I’ve yet to make him late again. I guess if the worst thing I do as a parent makes him late for school a few times I’m doing alright…