I feel it! Down deep in the center of my chest, then the arches of my feet start to thump and I fight the acid from rising up to my throat.
Some might call it anxiety, but I truly think it’s my heart breaking a little.
Every time, I hear of a marriage falling apart or a relationship crumbling I feel it in my soul. I was married at twenty-one. Too young in my opinion, but my streak of rebellion was coming in hot at that time. I met a boy with tattoos, a gypsy soul, and a wild side. I fell in love with him faster than he could ever lace up those old stupid rigging boots he used to wear. Smitten with his thirst for life.
I was reserved, raised in the church, with a very quirky personality.
We were polar opposites! Our relationship was a roller coaster before we even thought about marriage. I bet I broke up with him 15 times. Toxic at times, but in the midst of all that mess, we had a deep-rooted connection. I wanted to fix him, he wanted to teach me to fly.
We were married. I was pregnant before we came home from our honeymoon. The next four years are hard to look back on. They were bad! Me moving in and out hanging off a cliff, reaching for him to save me, but he didn’t want to at the time, at least I didn’t think he did.
I begged to go to counseling…begged for things to change and they didn’t! So I had no choice but to file for divorce. It was so messy. My heart was on fire and I had this baby that I couldn’t care for by myself. All I wanted was for us to be a family.
Our divorce date was set. We each had to go through a divorce class before it could be finalized, which we did. The entire time I couldn’t breathe.
The counselor wrote down the five stages of grief
Check, check, check, check……I’m not ready to accept this.
Neither was he.
After he finished his class. He called and asked if I’d be willing to see the counselor who taught our divorce class. I obliged because the least it could do would teach my brain to quit firing on all cylinders and maybe I could eat a freaking cheeseburger without wanting to die.
I know, sounds dramatic, it is! That’s because when the person you’ve created life with is no longer there every day, it is exactly that….Dramatic!
Dramatic means – of an event or circumstance: sudden or striking
A divorce is, in fact, sudden and striking. It takes every ounce of your being to watch the person you created your world around say “they don’t love you anymore”.
So, we went to counseling. It was not easy. It was hell! We’d fight for hours when we left there. Not speak for days, but I always said, “If you just try. If you’re trying I won’t give up”.
We threw our divorce away. Our attorneys both told us,”It’s extremely uncommon to stop your divorce a week before the hearing”, but we did. We still laugh about that sometimes. We are uncommon in every way. A truly odd match.
To end this, I just want to implore the 20 something’s that are reading this, to realize that marriage is tough! After the wedding, after the courtship, it’s real life! It’s bills, money, job loss, bad decisions, growing apart, but there is always another side. There are the reasons you married that person. Love, kids, dreams. There’s wrestling on the floor, there tickling fights, there surprise flowers and cards, there’s talking about your future, watching the tiny little humans you created, grow into adults. Sitting around doing nothing watching movies or front porch sitting.
There is and were vows. Those vows to me meant I will never give up on us, not if we are still trying to grow together and build a family.
Despite the turbulence at the beginning, we have built a life to be proud of. Had it not been for that turbulence, we may not have found each other the way we have now. God showed me my strength through that time, was through my prayers. He showed me if you want something, you pray for it and you fight for it. That’s exactly what we did. We didn’t want complacency, we wanted growth!