I’m 36 weeks pregnant this week with our first boy. The roller coaster of emotions is at an all-time high this week, as you can imagine or know for yourself—thinking about labor and delivery and the anticipation of when makes me feel a little crazy now a days. Not going to lie. I’ve been cleaning until I’m exhausted, like ridiculous, unnecessary things- like washing curtains, walls, every toy our toddlers play with, cleaning parts of the fridge I haven’t ever cleaned, and organizing & labeling every bin or tote I can find, just to name a few things.
I am super excited though to finally hold this little miracle that has been growing inside my body for 9 months!! To finally see if he has curly hair like his daddy or if he’ll have my brown eyes. I am so emotionally excited for his big sisters to meet him too, almost as excited as I am to meet him and love on his littleness, myself.
The questions that 3-year old’s ask when their mommy has a baby in their belly are so cute yet the smartest, well thought out questions. They’ve been asking me for weeks “is baby brother still in your belly?” every time I come home or get back in the car & lots of other random times. Or “What’s his name mommy?” and “Will we know his name when he comes out?” Well babe, that’s a good question because we haven’t settled on just one name yet. Yesterday, our two year old comes over and lifts up my shirt to see my belly, (because she thinks she can see the baby through my belly button) and then shows me her belly and then proceeds to “belly-bump” me and then kisses my belly and squeezes it like she’s hugging him, over and over again. I had to laugh but it also melted my heart how she already loves this baby too. They all three love babies so much and playing with their baby dolls, that I already know I’m going to cry when they first meet. I can’t wait to see their expressions and joy filled smiles of meeting their little brother for the first time and already beginning to fall in love with him.
I cant help but to also be over the moon excited about that baby stage! I love that stage. Oh do I! I get so amazed at the tiny little fingers and toes, and watching them move and notice things around them, opening their eyes, and just feeling so small myself as I think about how this little human grew inside my body and here they are, so innocent and tiny, and so dependent on me and daddy. I love the eat, sleep, and poop schedule and really- this baby stage is the shortest chapter there is, I think. As tired and exhausted I know I will be some days, taking care of a new babe, and three toddlers—I also have to remember to breathe and fall in love again with this time in our lives and these moments of motherhood, because these I believe, will be the shortest days of my life when I look back one day with grown children.
With all these emotions and thoughts stirring in this head, I also can’t deny the ones of a little sadness of things changing from our family of 5, the way its been for 2 years, and adjusting to new routines and the new “Linard family of 6”. I’ve been trying to remind myself, with all this nesting business crowding my to do list, to be more present with our girls the last week or so especially, because I know things will be a little different when this baby boy is actually in our arms, not just for mama and daddy, but for these little girls. Its all about balance, I’ve been told- and I know well find ours with some time—but for now I’m soaking up feeling these crazy arms and legs rolling over my belly and the extra kisses I get on my belly from his big sisters. & of course napping every chance I get because lets be honest-growing a baby makes you tired.
I have also been fighting anxiety thinking about my delivery. With our other two pregnancies, I have had hemorrhaging issues after delivery, the first time I had a blood transfusion because I lost so much blood. I’ve been told its understandable to feel that worried and concerned this 3rd time around as well, considering what happened before. By 36 weeks, just waiting for the day and all the unexpected and unpredictable things that come with laboring and delivering a baby (or babies) in general makes you a little crazy- then having gone through complications like mine, it should be understandable to feel some uneasiness and anxiety, right? However, this time being pregnant I have really been struggling with not even wanting to feel worried or carry anxiety over this. I’ve just been claiming that God would heal my body and there would be no complications, no medication needed, end of story. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but as a believer in Jesus Christ, and a woman who preaches trusting in God in ALL things, I have had to constantly be praying about how I’m feeling and letting the Lord work on my heart and my emotions each time I start to feel overwhelmed with worry.
This past week, I think I finally heard Him loud and clear. It went something like this “I created this baby that you carry in your belly. I made him for a purpose and I know him and who he will be, and I love him more than you even do. I know the day and time when he will take his first breath in the world and I know how it will all unfold, I go before you—and I will be there with you. Trust in me to do mighty things!” O-K then, God. I am giving it over to you and resting in your promises and your word, that no matter the circumstance, or what unfolds on that day—God is still good! Our toddlers have been chanting things from bible school that was weeks ago, I believe as a reminder for me and they don’t even know it– “When life is unfair, God is good!”, “When life is sad, God is Good!”, “When life is good, God is good!”