It’s kind of funny how having a newborn makes you look at your life a bit differently than you did before.
How does a tiny, double chinned, 10 pound baby boy make you totally slow down, re-evaluate your 25 years of life and the next 25 years, and remember what really matters? I’m still not entirely sure yet, but I know this is happening to me right now. We recently had baby #4, our little Beau Allen.
I’ve always been a get up and go kind of gal, let me do it myself, get things done right now while I’m thinking of it, wear myself out finishing my “to-do” list, shop ‘til I drop…ok you get it. However, having a newborn this time, it has caused me to have to slow down more than before. I did have a harder time recovering after this delivery than the others and I was forced to put everything I “needed” to do on hold for a bit longer but that’s not the slow down I’m talking about.
I’ve prayerfully been able to fight through this mom guilt thing just a little, to put things on hold- and being okay with that– and just holding him a little longer, rocking him more, and just memorizing his cute little features while he’s this tiny and I love that.
I’ve already been asked if were having any more, or “you got your boy, now I bet your done.” The truth: I’m not sure if God has plans for me to carry more babies, but even if he has 3 more or if Beau is the last, I’m okay. I know we have been blessed with what we have and I am unexplainably grateful for the now. For what we have been entrusted with now. I cant worry or try to plan tomorrow when I know in my heart God’s plans are always better than mine, so I can wait. Or learn to wait. But the little-ness can’t and won’t wait.
So here I am reminding myself for the countless time today, that everything will be there when I get to it. The dishes, the endless laundry, the unknown sticky stuff smeared across the dining room table, it can wait. The to do list will always be there, but he won’t always be this little. I know that. I do!
But let me stop right here and say I have read the mom blogs and I have had some wise souls tell me this over and over…and in the middle of this season, let me be the first to say no matter how right I can agree that they probably are, it is HARD to remember this day in and day out of motherhood. When there is a never ending to do list on your phone, Alexa is reminding you, and the notepad where you also wrote down a list is haunting you every time you walk into the kitchen and see it, & even Facebook posts reminds you to “put your clothes in the dryer”.
Yes, the to do list will always be there. There will always be something to do. But is that the problem? Or is it the mom guilt that comes with not doing “enough” within a certain time frame that keeps us running around on empty, telling you that your not enough, and the invisible, unrealistic standard we try to live up to as moms? Where does this come from anyway?
Example: If I spend more of my day cleaning and picking up after our tribe, than I did reading to them, teaching them their numbers, or playing blocks with them, I go to bed feeling guilty. If we were out with family or at a church event late, and they all fall asleep in the car and they get carried to bed, I go to bed feeling guilty they didn’t brush their teeth before bed.
If I let them spend too much time watching T.O.T.S and playing ABC Mouse all day, because I was tired, I go to bed feeling guilty they had too much screen time today, telling myself to pull myself together and do something fun with the kids. That’s not fair, right? I’m learning that this voice we listen to isn’t truth.
I really have come to believe this mom guilt thing we talk and hear about is a real thing, but it isn’t from God—
It’s from the enemy, the devil, trying to distract me into doing too many unnecessary things that will cause me to be worn out, while I’m distracted from Gods voice and purpose for my life, I begin to miss out on things that are important, losing my joy, playing the comparison game, and striving for this unrealistic perfection as a mom, a stay at home wife and mom, and a pastors wife, and I just cry because I have lost sight of the good I am doing and for who I do this for.
I am trying so hard, and baby Beau, so innocent and unaware of what he’s doing, is making me really slow down & give myself permission to be still, to be in the now, and honestly it’s been hard for me, as a busy bee. But some days I just want to lay in bed staring at him in amazement of how this little miracle grew in my belly, and I have to tell myself that’s okay.
I’ve been praying about where and what I’m supposed to be doing and putting my energy and time in things that really matter and not just wasting energy on things that don’t. I’m still failing, learning, and growing every day, we all are, but each time I hold him and look into my favorite blue eyes that match his big sisters and his daddy’s, I am made to slow down and reminded it’s going to be okay. I am enough and I am doing enough.