Be here now

I am an extremely driven person. This is true to a fault. I have the bar set high in ALL areas of my life. This can be a great trait. It has taken me far and allowed me to meet many goals that seemed out of reach.

With each new goal reached the bar gets set higher. Again, not necessarily a bad thing.

I have, however, found that it can cause me some problems. I view things in the big picture. So, I see how my actions now will pay off later. This drives me forward with a scary force. It has a price tag attached. I tend to miss things in the here and now. I am so focused on the end goal that I can miss what is happening around me. I can be physically present, but I am thinking of the next project or the next achievement.

Then something will break through and ground me to the moment. I am struck with the most overwhelming sadness that I was a million miles away and almost missed this, and the realization that I have likely missed many of these moments. This is a gut punch that leaves me breathless.

I am ashamed to say that in many cases this pushes me harder. I have an inner monolog that is relentless. It never shuts down or gives me a moments rest. I am constantly thinking about to do lists and deadlines. It is impossible for me to shut my head off. As I get older, I can no longer get it to even quiet. The more I want to rest the louder it gets.

This has become apparent to outsiders. Friends and family have made comments about how I cannot seem to sit still. I have guest on my patio, and I am up 1,000 times fixing, cleaning, or moving something. We host a family dinner every three weeks at our house. (This was before COVID) While people are still eating, talking, and relaxing I am washing dishes putting food away and overall cleaning. I see how it unnerves people, yet I cannot seem to stop.

I find myself exhausted. Not the tired that sleep will help. My commitments haunt my dreams and I regularly have dreams of them. That is assuming that I can sleep at all.

This year I turned 35, and like many women in their 30’s I am discovering who I am. I mean really getting to know me. I am watering the parts I like and pruning the parts that I do not. Pruning hurts. I do not like it much. I need to change.

I want to keep the same level of productivity, and slow down. This is not possible. This leads to more pruning. For my birthday I had “be here now” tattooed on my right wrist. It is a constant reminder that I need to pick the wins that really matter. Those I will invest in the rest needs to be snipped away. So, pray (or send good thoughts and vibes) to me my mama bears. I am struggling on this one. If you find yourself there as well, you are not alone.

1 thought on “Be here now”

  1. I was the exact same way in my 30’s and 40’s. I realized I was out of control and anxious because of it. I finally realized I needed to calm down and take one day at a time. I decided to live in the moment. I still have those times of what’s next, but with concentration I can always bring myself back to being calm. I find myself living a peaceful and joyous life now.

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