Do Parents Really Know What’s Best?

I have a confession to make, but no one can tell my husband I admitted this: I do not know everything. At one point in my life, I may have thought that I did. Many more times, I pretended that I did. I clearly give the impression to some that I think I do.  AND  my theme song at one point may have been, “I’m Bossy,” especially when my younger sisters were concerned. All of this may have been true, but the moment I realized I would be responsible for the entire life of another human being, I realized how little I knew, and this epiphany has been my parenting North Star.

The recent outbreak of culture wars has elicited a common theme: Parents know what’s best for their children. While on its face this phrase seems to be common sense, I could not disagree more. Parents, including myself, often do not instinctively know what’s best for our children; Acknowledging our ignorance on a whole host of issues is the first step to making choices that are better.

Ignorance. I know, I know, it may as well be a four-letter word. In fact, every time I include it in early drafts, my wise peer-editor and friend, Elizabeth, warns me about its negative connotation. For many, being called ignorant is the ultimate insult. Our culture understands it as synonymous with “stupid” or “uneducated.” The fact is, though, that we are all ignorant and shouldn’t be afraid to admit it.

The breadth and scope of parenting is overwhelming. We choose to bring a child into the world and suddenly we’re faced with decisions concerning topics we know little about:  health care, medicine, child development, education, nutrition, finance, the list never ends. So what do we do? For most of us, the answer is:  The Best We Can. 

Those of us who are fortunate enough to have a support system get advice (solicited and not-so-much) from friends and family. Many of us rely on the traditional, “Well this is how my parents raised me and I turned out fine” approach. Of course, this often prompts outside observers to wonder, “Are you sure about that?”

 Those of us with less than perfect childhoods know exactly what we DO NOT want to do. This can sometimes cause a knee-jerk, “do everything the opposite” approach that can be counterproductive and self-defeating. Sometimes trying too hard NOT to turn into our mothers has the opposite effect (ummmmm…).

 While we are all just trying to do the best we can, we would do ourselves, our children, and our communities a favor by acknowledging the limits of our abilities and knowledge.  To make sound decisions about our kids, we need to call in reinforcements: The experts.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that someone knows more than you. I’ll say it again for the people in the back: There is nothing wrong with admitting that someone knows more than you.

 

 I’m not sure when this bit of wisdom finally cemented itself in my psyche, but I’m confident it has a lot to do with my career in academia. I am surrounded by really, I mean really, smart people all day long. These are educators and professionals whose job it is to not only teach, but remain life-long scholars. Full disclosure: I’ve always considered myself to be pretty bright, but the brilliance of my colleagues and friends periodically induces bouts of Imposter Syndrome. 

While academics are often stereotyped as stuffy, disconnected know-it-alls, most are hyper-aware that they don’t, and can’t, know everything. Sociology professors know sociology, chemistry professors know chemistry, math professors know math. While we all possess advanced degrees and consider ourselves “educated,” it would be a rare occurrence-and a definite insult- should any of us suggest we know more about a topic than someone considered an expert in their field. This just isn’t logical.

Because I know so many smart people, I’ve become accustomed to reaching out to experts when I need to make a decision. If I want to know about science, I ask scientists. If I want to know about information literacy, I consult librarians. Sure, I could Google and get a general answer, but the experts are experts for a reason.

This is why the current movement of parents insisting  they always know best baffles me. What’s even more disturbing is the damage caused by people who know so little making decisions that ignore and often reject the advice of experts who very clearly know So. Much. More.

 Despite clear recommendations from the Centers for Disease Control and the American Academy of Pediatrics, large numbers of parents are refusing to vaccinate and/or mask their children, leading to preventable outbreaks and deaths in our communities.

Despite the absence of Critical Race Theory in K-12 classrooms, angry (white, yes I said it, white) parents are insisting upon its removal and supporting dangerous legislation that could cause irreparable harm in classrooms.

Despite medical professionals’ warnings concerning the dangers of firearms for children, 1 in 3 children live with firearms in their homes, and of those 1 in 3 are kept unlocked and loaded. This has lead to countless tragedies, including the most recent egregious example in Oxford, Michigan.

Self-righteous parents are insisting they know better than experts who have dedicated their lives to building knowledge. We are suffering from an explosion of the Dunning-Kreuger effect: an obnoxiously loud proclamation that equates parental and expert opinions.

While these current culture wars are ill-informed and damaging, this is not a new phenomenon. Anyone who has seen a parent smoking in a car with a child knows that parents do not always make the best decisions for their children. In fact, despite the mountain of evidence on common parental practices, many parents continue to make misguided choices in the name of parental expertise. 

Here’s a perfect example: Zero evidence exists to support spanking as an effective form of discipline and an overwhelming amount of evidence  shows that not only is it ineffective, it is often permanently harmful. In fact, the AAP even released a public statement opposing all corporal punishment for children. Despite all of this, at least 35% of American parents still spank their children.

I could write volumes on common parental practices that are ill-advised and even outright harmful to children, but my purpose is not to shame anyone. No one is, or ever will be, the perfect parent. Too many of us spend too much time judging other parents (yes, I admit I am guilty of this) or worried about whether we’re “good” parents (yep, guilty here too).

What I’m suggesting is a little humility, an acknowledgement that we don’t always have the right answers and that we absolutely could be wrong. We don’t always know what’s best, but we can do better. We can make decisions based upon the best-available information and that information very often comes from the experts.

Let’s allow educators to guide us in academics, not insist we know what should or should not be included in the curriculum; Listen to the advice of doctors, medical professionals, and scientists when deciding whether to vaccinate our children, not some random YouTube video or fringe Facebook group; Solicit the advice of mental health and child development experts when considering our approach to discipline. 

We don’t need to pretend to know everything and admitting our ignorance can relieve some of the pressure.

Does this mean that expert advice is always perfect? No, of course not. Experts disagree with each other all of the time. Is guidance going to change based upon new information and progress? Yes, of course it is. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

Remember at one point, doctors told pregnant women smoking and drinking were perfectly acceptable.  And not so long ago, it wasn’t a rare occurrence to see a truck bed full of children speeding down the interstate (oh childhood memories…). Just watch 80s movies for a lesson in the evolution of parenting norms (Did the mom in ET seriously leave 6- year-old Gertie home alone for hours?). 

This also doesn’t mean that we should never question experts or that we don’t have anything to add to the conversation. We live with our children, we love our children, and we all have expertise as parents. We absolutely should be actively engaged in any decisions affecting them. Believe me, you can ask my kids’ teachers about the detailed and sometimes strongly-worded emails I send in dissent. Those Christopher Columbus lessons always get me fired up.

When we have good information, we make better decisions. Know better. Do Better. Sometimes, though, we think we know a lot more than we do and that leads to less-than-stellar decisions. The choices we make don’t just affect our individual children and families, but reverberate out into our communities. Our choices are literally life and death for people we may never meet.

I do not know everything and neither does anyone else. What I do know is that there are a lot of experienced and knowledgeable people out there who can help me to make better decisions for my children. I won’t always get it right, but at least I’ll know I listened to the best possible advice.