This past weekend I had a dream about my great-grandmother who will be 97 tomorrow. She shared some encouraging words with me in my dream that had me smiling when I woke up and got me pondering on what motherhood looked like for generations before me (and my mother).

During my conversation with my great grandma I asked her how she did it, she said to me “well, when you have so many, you love them all differently so you never put more attention on one than the others”

I am a mother, that is definite, not because I am the female parent, my maternal affection,  I have children, not because I birthed children, and not because they  all yell “MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM..MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM” but because in my heart I choose to be their mother, I choose to be present and loving.

I thought long and hard after my conversation with her what life must have been like for my grandmother (her oldest daughter) the oldest of 15 kids and who had 5 kids of her own. I thought about all the memories I shared with her before she passed and how she seemed so flawless and graceful to me. I wondered if she ever struggled like I do now with my four. I wondered if she ever got tired of her own kids because she practically helped raise all her siblings. I pondered on what she may have wanted her legacy of mothers to look like. She had four girls and one son. Four of her five children had children and as her granddaughters what would she want us to become.

Parenting, I am sure looks different now than it did for my great grandmother and grandmother I am sure,  being a mother now requires so much attention and thought. Not to say they weren’t attentive and thoughtful but life was simpler at times then. My granny however managed to juggle a career in education and a business with my grandfather. I always wonder now that I am older, how did she do it when my aunts and uncle were younger. I wish some days like the cliché goes “I wish heaven had visiting hours” so I could sit and interview her and ask her if she was ever overwhelmed and tired lol… I am not complaining because I know that the grace on my life to carry and raise my children was a part of God’s plan for my life however I wish there was an easier schedule, a more simple way of living. Staying at home with my kids is not a more simple way of living either. Stay at home moms are vessels of patience, I for one am NOT that patient lol…

I shared all this in this momfession to say look at the mother you are becoming and think to yourself, is this the reflection of love and parenting you want your kids to mirror? I know I am not perfect and like I said at the beginning of the year, I am trying to work on yelling because it is not constructive BUT SO HELP ME GOD IF SAMSON TEARS ANOTHER BABY GATE OFF THE HINGES AND SHILOH PUTS ANOTHER TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TOILET I AM GOING TO YELLING! (I never really stopped yelling, it just sounds really good to say I am going to work on it lol) But I want to be a reflection of love and comfort for my kids, with some discipline as well. I love each of them differently and I love each of them deeply, that will never change. As I get even more excited to see my great grandmother here soon, I know that I am a reflection of some strong women who chose to mothers and blazed a good trail.

Be blessed this week mommas and remember chose to be a mother in your heart not just in your role. There is a difference, your heart compels you to keep going and being better, your role just says “ugh why did I have these kids”. Your role as a mother will frustrate you at times, but if your heart is committed to being a mother to your children, you will not let that frustration or discontentment break you down.

Shaheedrah