I have always loved deeply. I love my friends, family, and life. I have always been moved by love and can see love in the most ordinary of things. I feel love for others when I notice emotion in their eyes. When I see something in nature that takes my breath away. I fall in love 1,000 times a day with the things that make my life.
I pray like my life depends on it. I pray to give thanks for all the things I love. To heal a friend, to heal the world. I pray when I am happy, sad, confused, angry. If I am awake, I likely have recently prayed. I pray that I will always see love in the things around me that I will not loose sight of how loved I am.
But when I became a mother, I realized that I had no idea what love was or the depth of prayer that she would bring. I cared more about this little person than I could ever care about myself. Suddenly I thought of nothing else. This big beautiful amazing world, I wanted to show her everything. I would see something and wonder if it would leave her in awe or make her laugh from her belly.
It quickly dawned on me though that this world is also scary. I realized that I could not protect her from everything. I could not stop sick kids from going to daycare. I could not stop her heartache when a friend was mean. I had no control over other people breaking promises. Halloween decorations would leave her in tears . The news was no help. Sandy Hook happened around the time that I was due to have my daughter. It left me feeling helpless. Things that I found joy in when I was younger, things I had always viewed as safe were no longer. Casey Anthony was also making headlines daily. How can things like this happen? I mourned these children and I cried for months.
And I prayed! I prayed in a way that I never had before. I prayed to give up control and handed her to God. I pled daily to save her and protect her. I prayed that she would know God and he would bring peace and that she would never be lonely. She will be 9 years old in a few weeks. I still pray for all these things. I now also pray for the person she is becoming. I pray she will have friends and be a friend. I pray she will always find comfort when she needs it and that she will comfort others. I pray for the man that she will one day marry. I pray for every single decision that she has yet to make.
As I write this, I shed tears over how little I can protect the biggest piece of my heart. How I have to daily look to God and say I can not do this alone she is bigger than I am, and I need you to help me. I pray that she finds love all around her. That she still giggles and dances in the rain. That a friend’s voice can make her feel loved. I hope she looks around and back at her life and knows how desperately she was loved. And I pray that she will pray for all of it.