For 26 years I was called Nikki.

Then one September day I had the most amazing human enter my life. This beautiful aww inspiring little girl who I named Charlie. From this day forward I was Charlie’s mom! No, I mean this is what I am actually called now. Even my mom addresses me as Charlie’s mom.

Don’t get me wrong my role in motherhood has been the greatest blessing in my life. I was born to be this girl’s mother. But once Charlie came on the scene what happened to Nikki?!? This gets more complicated as a single mother. My world truly revolves around this mini me. There is not a lot of natural balance. I am the sole provider of all needs and on call 24/7.

I bring this up because I recently had a conversation with a friend about identity. It really got me thinking. I am a mom first and I covet that role as the prize gem that it is! But it took me on a trip down memory lane, about past versions of myself. I have lived many lives and was a unique me in each of them. Pieces of them carry to the next version of me and some I need to leave behind.

I have spent every day of the last 7 years entwined with this little human. Who is Nikki now outside of her? At first I did not like to even think about this. It made me feel guilty, like this made me a bad mom. I have always felt like I have to work twice as hard for her, being just her and I.

As this conversation unfolded I started to relax my shoulders and breathe. There is still a Nikki in there. A Nikki that led me to go back to Grad school, a Nikki that likes to write, and has a slightly obsessive drive to hoard indoor plants. I sat down at the beginning of this year and made 19 goals to accomplish in 2019. Some of them I went at hard and will easily accomplish. Others I shelved because like all parents I have been focused on my daughters goals.

But it is time to start focusing on Nikki as well. This does not make me a bad mom, in fact it will make me a better one! If I am taking time to unwind and re-center then I will be calmer and more relaxed. I have been sharing some of my interests with Charlie and we are finding that we both enjoy them.

The thing that hit me the most during our conversation the most was this: “If you do your job right she will leave you one day.” And she is right. My job is to aim her straight and shoot her out into the world. (Bible reference Psalms127:4-5) I have another job though. A job all parents have. I have to know who I am when she is gone. I have to have an identity apart from her.

I am still struggling with this line of thought. I still feel guilty for wanting to be Charlie’s mom but also be Nikki. But when I think if Charlie’s future (1,000 years in the future) there will be a day that she becomes a mother. I don’t want her to struggle with this identity crises. So I am putting in the work in hopes that one day it will help her through the same waters.

As you can see from that last sentence I have a ways to go till I can truly think separate at times. Until then I will smile and do the best I can today.