Four years ago I found out what I thought was the scariest news of all time: I was pregnant.
I wasn’t married or really had any idea of what being a mom was about. It wasn’t what I had planned for my life story and threw all my expectations out the window. All I knew that I was responsible for that little life inside of me. With each day that passed, I got more and more excited. I finally told some of my family and friends, but wanted to keep the baby to myself for a little while.
Everything changed at the 20 week appointment. I found out I was having a son, Jensen, but he was going to be born a little differently. That’s when I realized any expectation I had about being a mom would not be what I imagined… at all. For another 18 weeks, I cherished every moment of being pregnant. I sang songs, read books, and talked to my belly constantly. For those numbered weeks, I was happy and hopeful of the future. But, like I said, some stories don’t go as planned.
Jensen died in my belly.
Somehow that’s gotten easier over the years to say. They don’t know exactly what happened, just his heart stopped and mine kept on going. I got thrown into this story of motherhood I didn’t think existed. This definitely wasn’t supposed to happen.
In the months that followed, I heard a lot of different stories from a wide range of mothers. Some somehow broke my heart more and others gave me hope for the future. Each helped me with my identity and view on motherhood. They taught me that motherhood wasn’t this cookie cutter image that I thought it had to be. So many saw Jensen for everything he was and they saw me for the mother I am. They, with their stories, taught me that I was doing all I could do.
There were a lot of days I questioned why: Why me? Why not me? Why was this my story? Many of which are still unanswered and more complex now.
My motherhood story didn’t end with my son, it only began with him. I got pregnant again, and I still wasn’t married or really had any idea what I was doing, I was scared. I didn’t have any expectations that she would live or I would even make it through this time. Everyday I was scared. Motherhood felt like a big, terrifying thing that only led to the worst.
Again, I turned to a network of mothers to share their stories, let me know that I was going to be okay, and help me believe that my daughter, Mila, was going to make it earth side. Their stories gave me hope even when my very own didn’t.
When she was born I remember thinking this is my new chapter. Jensen and Mila are both what I get to share with the world. They’re my stories and how I’ve grown and reacted to the situations that surround both of them are ways I can help other women, other mothers, that may find themselves in similar positions. Although I hope no one ever goes through the same things as I have been, I know there will be. Maybe they’ll be able to find these words and realize their story, their motherhood, and their child is so special and important. No one can take that away from them.
Four years later from that positive pregnancy test, I still am terrified of motherhood and definitely have thrown every previously held expectation of it out the window. I love both of my children fiercely and couldn’t imagine not having them with me, in different ways. NEVER did I imagine being a single, bereaved mother, but this is my story and I’ll keep singing it from the rooftops. And I might never understand all the whys, but I can tell you why I keep going…
Because I am a mother and that’s just what we do.