God’s Will

Our story begins October 2014 when we decided to talk with our family dr. as I was going in for a yearly checkup.
I told her that we had decided to have children and I needed to end my birth control. She said, ‘perfect we’ll start you on prenatal because it’s good to have three months under your belt to benefit baby development.’ Sounds great, let’s get started.

Well, needless to say, we couldn’t wait three months to start trying. Especially due to the fact that I wanted to come home from our honeymoon pregnant! LOL.

We had been trying for little over a year and we began to wonder if something was wrong with one of us…more so than him. So, I decided to ask Google…right, why not, Google knows everything!

Well, I Googled what could cause me to have a hard time conceiving…

I found out that caffeine can hinder your chances, so I cut that out.

You could be low in estrogen, so you should eat certain foods, so I looked that up.

Flaxseed and avocado and a whole list of foods came up and I added those to the mix.

I downloaded two apps to help track ovulation along with buying an ovulation kit! I began telling my husband we have 24 to 48 hours let’s GO!

Not fun right…

But, it all worked and we found out we were expecting on June 18th, 2015. We told EVERYONE of our news because we were so excited it finally happened and nothing was wrong with us, it just took us time!

I came to realize that in our lives we can’t control anything it is all in God’s hands.

Then the following week…panic set in.

Tuesday, June 22nd I woke up to bleeding.

I called my husband’s aunt, who I always call for support and advice. She told me to call my doctor and not to worry just yet. That I could be just that I’m high risk.

Well, my doctor said I needed to go in right away for bloodwork and an ultrasound.

That moment in the ultrasound room alone, I figured then it was bad considering I wasn’t seeing anything on the screen. But, the tech assured me it was just too early to tell.

I left the room and went to a small waiting room with all of these other pregnant moms and their bellies and smiling faces. I sat there trying to figure out, based on what I saw and how the tech reacted, whether or not this was the end or the start of ours.

Next, was the time to meet with the Dr. and she too said it’s too early to know for sure and that we’ll have to continue to make blood work appointments and come back.

My appointment was set for Thursday, June 25th. The doctor explained that blood work HCG levels should double with pregnancy so we would know more then.

On Friday, June 26th I received a call from my doctor and I knew already, by her voice, it was not good.

She said the blood work came back and my levels had dropped. I said, so this is a BAD pregnancy and she said yes…you are miscarrying.

My heart sank as I was home alone and trying to keep it together on the phone with her.

All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball on the floor and note more…

She explained I needed to go in on Monday, June 29th for more blood work and to keep my scheduled July 7thultrasound.

All I could think is why…

I knew they needed to be sure everything was back to normal and had passed, but I didn’t want to go through the motions of pregnancy when I’M NOT PREGNANT.

That’s how I felt, I was devastated. I just didn’t understand.

I was hoping though that we could try again soon, because if we didn’t I was worried I’d become depressed. I just couldn’t imagine not having children. I was excited, I’d waited my whole like to be a mother.

During this time, our friends were all having children and all we wanted was for our children to grow up with our friends’ children.

I remember thinking, I was right in line with them and now we are going to be pushed to the back.

I took to my journey on the day I found out and this was what I wrote:

“Dear Lord Jesus, I need you. I need this to be okay. To have our next time around to be good, to be perfect. Please dear Lord Jesus, hear me cry this out to you. I need this to happen to get past all this bad that his happening now. Amen.”

Then, as it continued, I remember when it finally seemed to end when I passed what I believe to be the sac my precious baby would have been on Monday, June 29th at 10:30 p.m.

Now…on to trying again, I told myself.

After the whole month of July and continuing to bleed the last week, I was finally finished. No more bleeding, no more appointments.

It was done, now to begin again.

The doctors said to wait three months, but we just couldn’t do that.

So, August 1st through the 7th I hit my new cycle and did no planning this time around.

We conceived our RAINBOW BABY August 16th.

Matthew 19:26…but with God all things are possible!

-A Mother


Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: