Motherhood has exposed me to my selfish thoughts and expectations. I have always been a giving person, my middle name, Leaté, literally means “one who blesses others”. It wasn’t until I became a mother, that I realized that even in all of my selfless acts, I still struggle with being selfish.

The Struggle

How can someone that is so selfless struggle with being selfish? If I’m honest, as I reflect, getting married should’ve exposed me to myself, but it took having Solomon for me have the ah-ha moment or moments. It’s something about watching and learning your baby that exposes you to you.

As Solomon has become more independent and expressive, I have noticed my selfish tendencies. I want him to behave in a certain way because it satisfies my selfish desires. I don’t want him to embarrass me by throwing tantrums or I just want him to be still or take a nap so that I can do what I want to do. Lately, as I observe and reflect, I have started to consider his feelings in moments that I am feeling frustrated and not just mine. Why is he acting out? Why is he so clingy? Why is he so fussy? Why won’t he take a nap? What is wrong with him?

How about what is wrong with me? Why am I so triggered right now? He’s almost a year and a half, are his behaviors age appropriate? Am I expecting him to handle his feelings and emotions as if he is older than he is, when truth be told I don’t always handle mine well? There has been a lot of self-reflection lately, because while his poor behavior needs to be and is being addressed, a lot of my frustration is rooted in selfish thoughts and expectations.

Finding a Solution

When I am intentional about pausing and considering what I’m missing, I usually find the blame shifting back to me. He is acting his age and my frustration from other outside factors is being shifted towards him. Now I make an extra effort to ask myself, what am I missing? Is he just being a stinker or is there something wrong that he is trying to communicate with me? Is something upsetting him and he doesn’t know how to process it? Regardless of how much I want him to just calm down, be quiet, etc. I have to consider how he feels and his ability to process and respond to what is happening.

Being a mom is so challenging, yet so rewarding. I am grateful for the ways that Solomon challenges me to grow as I watch him grow. I pray that as he exposes me to my selfish tendencies that it makes me a better mother, wife, and overall individual.