I took this new way of life hard. Like most of us. I struggled, I got angry I wanted to fight.
Then I got sad. Really sad. I deeply grieved all the meticulous plans I had laid out. I Grieved the people that I missed. I grieved the activities that were missed. I grieved for my daughter and all the losses that she was enduring. I just grieved.
And like a lot of you I felt awful for my grief. I overall have it great. My bills have been paid, my education and my daughters were not interrupted to badly. We have a great house with plenty of room and things to do. And there has not been a moment that we went hungry. And still I grieved.
Greif is grief it does not need permission to be, it just is. There is no comparing grief. We have all suffered losses at the hands of COVID. I have felt more vulnerable than I have in my life. I have had to question many of my belief systems through this. I have had to give up control of so many things. And with all things I give up they have claw marks all over them.
However, one day, not that long ago, I woke up and I felt okay…ish. At least better than I had in a while. I felt like I could breath. I no longer felt under water. I was finally able to start moving forward again. One very slow step at a time. But forward!
I decided at that point to embrace what I could. This time will be apart of who my family and I become. This will become part of what shapes my daughter. I was finally able to do better.
We have begun to take this time to finish projects that we could not find the time for before. We are enjoying our house in ways that we never had! I am connecting with my daughter and am more present than I have been in years.
My daughter is connecting with family on a more regular basis. She is helping around the house. She is exploring and gaining confidence in who she is and her abilities. She is finally experiencing boredom and the creativity that flourishes there! She has become aware of her actions and how they affect others. She is interested in her health and how to engage in preventative care.
I have cleaned out every nook and cranny in the house and the garage. This house has not felt this light since we moved in. I am healing damaged relationships and moving on from past hurts. I have begun a daily writing challenge, as well as treating my body better. Some of my closest bonds have become closer. I am sleeping better that I have in the last decade.
The grief is still there. I still catch myself being hit with waves of sadness for the things lost. Humans are resilient, though. This experience has changed me as I hope it has changed you. When this is “over”, and we once again must rebuild what we think of as normal I will be different.
Let yourself grieve my friends and allow the change to wash over you.