The other night, after reading a book, Eskimo kisses, tucking in, hugs, more kisses, and forehead bumps, one of the girls asked me to sit in their room.
I don’t always do this, but one of them wanted me to hold her hand until she fell asleep. One day she may not want me to do that, so of course after thinking about that, I decided to sit on the floor and hold her hand. I sat down and began to pray over them silently and my mind wandered to when they were those tiny 4-pound and 5-pound babies. How does that seem so long ago yet it really doesn’t seem that long ago? My mamas heart aches for that time back but also loves where we are now.
Except for this daunting fact that we now are having to talk about school.
OH, that word almost haunts me these last couple months.
I am struggling. I have been struggling HARD with thinking about sending our twins to school. There I said it. I have been so indecisive, fearful, worrisome, avoiding discussing the issue, you know all those things we shouldn’t be and on top of that I’m afraid I have let my kids see that. I don’t want them to be scared or fearful just because I am, not one of my best traits I would like to pass on to them.
Tonight, as I was tucking them in for bed, one of the girls said, “Mom I don’t want to go to school.” I responded with the obvious, “why not?”, and she replied with she is scared and wants to stay home with me. My heart was happy that she said she wanted to stay home with her mama, but as I thought more about it, I think I unknowingly may have put some fear into them by them overhearing how I feel about sending them to school. Oh no.. mom fail here.
I have been praying so hard about all of this and I am not perfect, and that is simply why I need Jesus, and why we need to be in His presence to make these kind of decisions.
I’m sure it’s hard for all parents as they send their first child (or two, in our case!) off to school, I’ve heard that before. Sometimes the parent cries more than the child & that will be me. We’ve also heard many opinions about what we should do or not do. I’ve heard people all for homeschooling and some totally against homeschooling. I’ve heard opinions regarding to keep them home for another year or send them this fall. Someone told me, “do what is best for you and your family”, and honestly, I think that one person is the only one. Between COVID, how the world is changing, and trying to protect them as long as possible, I am exhausted thinking and praying about this daily. It’s an unpopular thing to say, and many people have brushed it off when I have said it out loud, that I just don’t want them to go to school yet. I think it gets brushed off because “were supposed to send them to school”, “everyone goes to school”, “you’ll be okay” they say, “the girls will be fine.”
I don’t think it is talked about enough, how going against what the world expects, how hard that can be for a parent. Feeling judged by people when you decide to do something different than what they think you should do. It hurts and it is HARD. We as parents are struggling enough with trying to make the best decisions for our family and then you throw in opinions of other people, sometimes when you don’t even ask for it (ouch), and sometimes even feeling judged and talked about behind your back.
No wonder I am struggling, tired, and feel somedays like I am losing my mind.
I want so badly to be in God’s will and to know without a doubt that we are doing the right thing in His right timing. Once I know that and we do that, I know we will be okay. It sounds silly to some I’m sure– going on and on about this BUT we are born again Christians, in the year 2021, going through a pandemic! We want our children taught what the Bible says, not what this world says and if keeping them home longer will give us more time to instill that in them then so be it. That is worth it.
Then we have days when our girls blow us away with what they remember, saying scripture, singing worship songs, and praying their little hearts out at the dinner table and I am reminded that we ARE training them up in the way they should go. (Proverbs 22:6)
As I sat on their bedroom floor that night, holding her little hand, I began crying out to God as tears ran down my face and I finally began to feel some peace about it. I felt the Lord whisper gently to my heart that He loves them even more than I do..that I need to trust Him and know that He sees and knows more than I do. He will hold them in His hands and I was reminded that these babies we call ours, —well, they belong to God. Amy Simpson once wrote, “Parents naturally live as if our children belong to us, but they don’t—they belong to God. When we believe they belong to us, and their lives are entirely in our hands, we often find ourselves consumed with worry. “
“When we believe they belong to us, and their lives are entirely in our hands, we often find ourselves consumed with worry.” —Yep, she nailed it!
I say all of this and share these things that aren’t always talked about because I cannot be the only mother in the world who is feeling all of this.
I don’t believe I am alone in trying to find and pray my way through the days filled with uncountable decisions concerning our children and families.
There are probably so many others who have lost sleep and cried and cried over decisions that needed to be made.
You are not alone, I am not alone.
We serve a God who already knows and goes before us, who is with us— and tonight I will sleep well resting in that promise and I pray you will too.